Have you gotten your heart broken?
My heart has been broken three times:
The first time was when I lost a boy who truly taught me to love, and be loved.
The second time was when he completely changed, to the point where I could no longer recognize him - when I realized that we would never mean the same thing to each other ever again.
The third time was when I woke up to my father telling me Nick hadn’t made it. The third time was the hardest, and is one I feel I will never recover from.
I thought that Josh being sentenced would bring me closure. But in the end it just brought everything back. All of the things I did, and didn’t do. The things I never got a chance to say.
Once again I’m back to those feelings. The fact that I’m alone and no one is here. More significantly - you’re not here.
I feel like I’ve shut myself off again. I spend all of my time watching old t.v. shows, or movies. Just so I can be somewhere else - experience these great, and sometimes not so great, lives because they make me stop thinking about mine. I spend all of this time alone. Even if Mom or Kris is here, I still feel alone.
Twice in a row I have thought that going back to school would help keep my mind off of you, but I have found once again that it just makes it worse.
I’m really at a crossroads. I’m afraid that if I had the choice I would never leave my house - that if I had the choice I would give up on everything.
I wish there was something to make this all stop.
I miss you, and I love you - for now, for always, forever.
"I missed you every hour. And you know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. I’d catch myself just walking around to find you, not for any reason, just out of habit, because I’d seen something that I wanted to tell you about or because I wanted to hear your voice. And then I’d realize that you weren’t there anymore, and every time, every single time, it was like having the wind knocked out of me."
Some days I am filled with sorrow, and longing to have you back in my life. Some days I am consumed with rage, and loathing that he took you from me.
But then there are days like this one, where I feel at peace. On days like this one, I am reminded that because of you, others were able to live. You gave people more time, and that is something not everyone has.
I miss you.
I love you - for now, for always, forever.
It is tragic, and unfair the way life changes on you.
Someone that I would share my entire life with - that knew the deepest parts of my being, is now someone I barely share a few words with.
Someone that made me the best possible version of myself is no longer near by.
Someone that believed in me, more than I believed in myself, is now nothing more than a memory.
Someone that was always a part of my life, in a substantial way, is now gone - forever.
Last Eight Days.
Day Forty-Three: Five favorite drinks?
- Shaken Passion Tea Lemonade from Starbucks.
- Iced chai.
- Cinnamon Dulce Latte from Starbucks.
- Raspberry Lemonade.
Day Forty-Four: Can you walk in heels?
I can, for the most part - which I blame DECA for. I’m really not a fan of high heels, I think they are mostly uncomfortable.
Day Forty-Five: Seven things that cross your mind a lot?
- My friends.
- My future.
- My past.
- Next fall.
- My family.
Day Forty-Six: Describe the worst day of your life.
I woke up to my Dad sitting on my bed, crying, telling me that Nick didn’t make it. My sisters were standing in the kitchen waiting for me to come out. I guess my Mom wanted them to tell me if my Dad couldn’t.
My Dad, Sarah, and Sam went to work. I texted Megan and Kristin got in the shower. I laid on the couch - falling in and out of sleep.
My Mom came home. She told me that Linda told her that Nick once asked her if it was weird that he really loved me - and she said no.
I talked to River until I fell asleep.
Day Forty-Seven: Who do you want to be with right now?
Day Forty-Eight: Biggest regret.
Not trying harder. Not admitting to being wrong. Not letting things go.
Day Forty-Nine: Greatest accomplishment.
Graduating High School and going to college.
Day Fifty: If you were given a chance, would you like to have a different life?
No. Sometimes I think I would, but I really wouldn’t. The experiences I have had in my life are what make me who I am - and I don’t think I would want to be anyone else.
Ramblings that are mostly unrelated:
I fell really far behind on my challenge. Usually if I miss a day, I’ll just include it the next day. But it’s been a week or more, so I’ll just continue from where I left off of on Monday.
I’m also getting an MRI of my spine on Monday - I guess I’ll be busy. I also have class - we are doing our critique in Drawing, so hopefully I’ll be able to sit in a normal chair.
My wrist is also getting worse - but I’m afraid to call the doctor back. I’m sick of getting bad news.
I realized I only have about thirteen visible scars left on my arms/hand. It’s weird how much can change in four years.
I miss the boy who used to make me laugh. I wish I could text him - but he’s not the same person anymore.
I’m thinking about going to Graduation - which is probably a mistake, but I want to see Patrick graduate. We haven’t really been as close this year, since I went to college, but we were last year. I think it’s important to go.
I’m also supposed to visit Paul Mitchell, so that I can decide whether or not to return to CU next year.
I’m kind of tired, and Lifetime movies are weird and are usually about the same things.
I think I’m just trying to do other things to keep my mind off of him tonight so I can get some sleep.
A year ago, I was happy - I had just gone to my Senior Prom with my best friends, and was getting ready to graduate. I was really happy - until I wasn’t.
A year ago, I spent three days waiting for Nick to come back to me. Early in the morning of April 29, 2011 the doctors confirmed that he was brain dead and would never wake up.
On April 30, 2011 Nick gave his vital organs, and tissue, to save other peoples lives. He is the reason I will be partaking in the Donor Dash this summer. I will also be going to the Mother’s Against Drunk Drivers vigil tomorrow with Linda and my Mom.
I love you - for now, for always, forever.